Tonight...

The whole world on my side,
Yet I feel a little loner tonight.
My sorrows became my memories;
So, yesterday feels harder tonight.
Shall I, or not, tell you
That the light of your lamps feels faker tonight.
From the shine of your candle,
The darkness of my shadow feels brighter tonight.
Come my healer,
That I have heard your calls tonight;
And I await your return
So I can be calmer tonight.
For, how may I interpret
The voice of this storm tonight;
That I may hold unto being silent
So in depths I'm stronger tonight.
The whole world on my side,
Yet I feel a little loner tonight,
Come my healer that my songs won't tell,
How deep are the wounds tonight.

- Syed Rehan

This indifference within me, I say,
where have I lost you. Sometimes
I regret being me; or
is that a way to forget you?
I belong to the alleys I grew in,
that's what I always thought,
But, tonight, I changed my ways;
Changed, to forget you.

Wanderers...

And where do you stand
in these rains? This is life -
in the bondage of fate, tonight
you'll only find ink stains
on my paper; stuck to the walls,
silencing my words into its blank lines.
But wanderers don't go home,
else be a journey you can't travel,
in nothingness; learning - understanding,
just to look at the sky and smile.
Tonight, you can find a lost world
in your solitude; if you want,
where you deserve to be, when
you're undeserving her, and
that's where wanderers reach
that are destined to be left undefined.
You cannot stand these winds,
yet you stand for the longest,
and the rains, tonight, brought along
the aesthetic memories, friend
this night is longest, like
a cold and silent winter,
so is your poetry; withdrawing
its meaning from you.

- Syed Rehan

Wanderers...

And where do you stand
in these rains? This is life -
in the bondage of fate, tonight
you'll only find ink stains
on my paper; stuck to the walls,
silencing my words into its blank lines.
But wanderers don't go home,
else be a journey you can't travel,
in nothingness; learning - understanding,
just to look at the sky and smile.
Tonight, you can find a lost world
in your solitude; if you want,
where you deserve to be, when
you're undeserving her, and
that's where wanderers reach
that are destined to be left undefined.

- Syed Rehan

Pointless...

You're pointless, so am I,
but yet this argument
can be my identity, believe me
silence is hardest to keep.
And I hold onto being pointless,
like a verdict of my fate,
I came into being with this thought
that silence is what words create.

- Syed Rehan

Sacrifice this journey....

It seems like your decision
running away from everything in life,
regretting your decision,
you're isolated from yourself,
but tonight you can end this pain
and set yourself free in a million ways
each beautifully cruel
sacrifice your journey, poor soul.
Could this mean the end?
Could it be your destiny?
and what of your dreams
which will become your father's nightmares.
It seems like you're in search
of something you'll never find,
but you lost yourself in this search,
wonder how cruel victory is.
You're a stranger in your own street,
call for mercy,
tonight you can only loose
something you never gained.

- Syed Rehan

When I found you...

When I found you,
it was only a name; carved
on a dusted tombstone,
in a nature held silence, and
crafted patience.
I see you in shadows, My Martyr,
where the light doesn't reach;
mystically patient for those
who you left in these
secluded alleys of pain.
When I found you,
it was in my future where
my past was sacrificed,
for, you'll again return,
to the places you've ever cried.
Because I know that
this tombstone has concealed
a graveyard in itself,
that recognizes every passersby
as a grave digger.
When I found you,
it was in my poetry, that,
you suddenly came
like a couplet one night,
and then, percepitated in my eyes.
When I found you,
it was in my soul,
a little broken piece;
When I found you...

- Syed Rehan

Overcome...

Overcome this silence,
if you cannot overcome the grief,
why be patient for a thousand more nights;
when impatience can heal the wounds?
If I can tell you, that
my eyes melt quicker than my heart does,
I will beautifully lie, though
that's what it appears to be.
If I can tell you, that
a silent soul is always serene,
I'll beautifully lie, though
that's what it appears to be.
Overcome the breathless gaps
that kill you when you sob;
if you cannot overcome the pain
that brings you in my heart.
If I can tell you, that
we're all awake,
I'll beautifully lie, though
that's what it appears to be.

- Syed Rehan

Directionless.

His thoughts are directionless,
So are his steps,
Awake him from his tiring sleep,
Is he asleep? Or just tries to pretend.
Why doesn't he recognize
the person who stares back at him;
in the mirror? He's afraid
he might remember everything,
And then, couldn't be the one
outliving his memories.
He's directionless,
And that's what he has ever been,
Now that he knows what he is,
He is, a bit sober to his cruel life.

- Syed Rehan

These thoughts...

I'm preserving these thoughts,
like the sandals of my Grandpa
that lay ashore, forlorn
and submerged in the tears of time.
Like winds, I strain my voice, tonight
in the secluded alleys of my town,
as I inherited patience from my olds,
I restrained my voice; tonight,
fumbling like an ignited soul,
that wanders in search of a body,
or the trembling lips
that lack courage to speak the truth.
I preserve these verses,
into the hearts of the people,
like a lover who buries himself
in the garden of his beloved;
as I listen to the complaining voice
of a dying emotion,
like life it uncertains, like death
it remains; a secret to the corpse.

- Syed Rehan

Being poetic

There's a crack in my heart
from where the silence escapes,
a crack that can't be filled,
with the tears of sympathy;
and, as I see through it
the roads that go home, I see -
an old man narrating the stories of his youth.
There's a lunatic you cannot stop,
and a melody you cannot hear,
and I, like always,
pretend as if I don't care.
And like old papers that carry
the remains of our past,
there's an old memory, rusting
in the corners of my heart,
remembring me my promises, my mistakes;
and I, like a paper drawing, be what I was,
only fading the colors to the cruel nature's laws.

-  Syed Rehan

Fellow Traveller...

To him do the roads reach?

Find me the pathway that goes to him,

Where he can be himself, again;

Find me a memory that belongs to him,

Our destinies are undefined, fellow traveller;

Let’s stop here and decide where to go,

Walking the mid-night roads of Srinagar, I know –

It’s better to stay dark, sometimes, than to glow,

Where has this smoke come from?

It seems someone has lost his soul,

Where would you reach roaming this Jungle, O’ Traveller?

Stay here tonight, stay in my world.

But when he ruminates, contemplates; I feel,

Someone has heard the tales that I told,

Fellow traveller, this journey is so long,

It feels I've been home ages and ages ago,

Our destinies are undefined, fellow traveller;

Let’s stop here and decide where to go.

- Syed Rehan

When everyone sleeps...

When everyone sleeps,

Let’s go to the riverside; together,

And we will make little things with the clay,

The things which we couldn’t make in life,

And then the silence will listen us giggle,

Let’s inscribe our names on the stones; together,

When everyone sleeps,

Let’s fumble in the darkness and play,

And then our childhood will return to our souls,

In this last chapter of our lives;

Let’s write our poetries with blood,

And enfold our happiness tonight,

Tonight; when everyone sleeps,

Let’s sing in the empty alleys,

So tomorrow our songs will be painted,

Rapt in their tunes, tonight;

When everyone sleeps,

Together we will make a promise,

To forget our grievances tonight,

And live some hours of peace,

‘Cause someday again, the riverside

Will be occupied by a father,

Reading the hurtful last letter of his son,

And wiping his old-age tears,

With the sleeves of his Pheran,

Tonight, let’s make an illusion of peace,

‘Cause the dignity we’re deprived of,

Is something we lost our brothers for,

‘Cause the Goddess of Justice,

Is ashamed of its preachers, tonight

Let’s sing the songs of freedom,

‘Cause tomorrow nobody will be free. So,

When everyone sleeps,

Let’s go to the riverside; together,

And we will make little things with the clay,

The things which we couldn’t make in life.

Instances From Life - IV

It was raining – midnight hours of a cold December night. I could hear every raindrop that hit the earth and lost its existence into millions of illusions. I opened my window, unconditionally, may be because the nothingness and silence in my room was deepening.

I had never thought that despite all the crowds, the world could be so empty some times. The songs, the celebrations; everything was over. And whatever was left behind, had by now, lost its existence in the depths of an eternal silence.

“Come here brother” He said, eliminating a cloud of smoke simultaneously.

I closed the window, and like always; the darkness, the rain, and all those things kept revolving in my heart. I had some regrets tonight, I had some pains; and it went the same for him. We didn’t know what it was, but something, something didn’t let us rejoice.

“Man, I don’t know why it is so but I am not present in the moment.” I said

“I was” his voice was choking “just recalling the bad times of my life. Brother I do not want them again in my life. Not any more.” He had a deep puff of the cigarette as if he was collecting his breath between the sobs.

“That time, I somehow consoled myself, narrating the story of a boy” He kept looking at the ceiling and talking to himself “who was lost in a desert, where even his hopes were hopeless; aimlessly walking, till the day he finally fathomed that a caravan has been following his trails throughout the journey. And he wasn’t alone, nor was he aimless; he was meant to discover a path from the dry sands to the oceans of high tide”.

“I told you. God is always there”. I interrupted, lighting a cigarette.

“But this time” He said “I won’t be able to face that solitude. Because when I had left it, I betrayed its pious soul. Now I cannot return to a place, where I had spent the coldest hours of my life”.

“Man, nothing bad is going to happen. And even if it happens, now we’re together, we’ll face every hardship, our sword is sharper now” I said.

“No brother, our oneness is our only truth” He said

“Are you crazy or what?” I spoke out astonishingly.

“Okay, close your eyes. And just imagine as if whatever comes out from my lips is actually something your heart wants to convey you” He said.

I closed my eyes. It was still raining. In my thoughts, someone told me “This man has united his soul and heart tonight”. It felt as if the rain was pouring over me.

 Then suddenly, I heard the sounds of a walking-stick striking the earth. Thak! Thak! And with it, I heard some footsteps.

“Who could it be, wandering at such a late hour? That too in this cold rain!” I murmured astoundingly.

“Ssshhh!” He signalled me to keep quiet.

I opened my eyes and by now he was near the window; trying to open it without making any noise.

An old man, with white beard, was walking with a black umbrella. Reciting something slowly and walking as if this boulevard was his favourite harbour.

We watched him till he disappeared in the darkness, in the darkness where everything disappears.

We lay down silently. I closed my eyes. He was breathing deeply. I could hear him; breathing, sighing – breathing, sighing.

“Just imagine. You’ve a life worse than this. Everyday you face troubles, calamities, tears, mourning. But you’ve my company, and whatever bad happens; we face it together, solve it every time and end up with happily and joyfully. But despite all the joys we share together, you keep calling to God for an easier life; with no regrets, no sorrows, and no calamities. You blame Him every time a bad thing happens to you. Sometimes this blame is put on your fate, and sometimes it’s for something that governs the ways of life for different people. But your life doesn’t get any better, it never does. And whatever happens, with a strong heart; we face it and win every battle. Then one day, everything seems getting better, in fact perfect! You’re so happy with the way that life has been given to you. There’s nothing to worry. No more tears, no nothing.” He was getting philosophical.

“Now, open your eyes” He said.

I opened my eyes. And it felt as if I had travelled to somewhere and life is no more the same that it was before the second I had closed my eyes. It seemed as if life was totally different.

“How do you feel now?” he asked.

“I feel as if I have finally won a battle I always had a nightmare of. I feel as if no thunder could ever scare me now. My heart is stronger, and my voice is firmer. And till I have you, who has always been with me, through my bad times; it feels there’s nothing I cannot overcome. And there’s nothing left for the completion of a beautiful poem” I said, speaking whatever my thoughts portray.

“Now just imagine. You’ve this happy life; lacking worries, sorrow, regrets and pain. But then one day, you just realise there was no one like me who ever existed in your life. You’re alone all the times. Everything is just the same; your life, that bad one, this good one, everything is just the same. But there’s no one like me who ever existed in your life. It was just your belief, nothing else. You realise that all the places you’ve been with me, in actual, you’ve been to them alone. You’re alone! In those gardens, near those banks; you were alone all the time.” His voice was deepening, so were my tears.

I could not understand what was happening. My lips were dried, and trembling. My heart became heavier, breathing slower, feet colder. I was frustrating.

I lighted another cigarette and deeply puffed. I was left silent, in my own thoughts. I couldn’t speak nor did he. He too, like me, was lost in his thoughts. There was an eternal silence that we couldn’t break.

“Now how do you feel?” he asked, breaking the laws of nature, crossing the boundaries.

“I cannot tell you how I feel. There’re a million thoughts lying before me, and my weakness; I cannot pick even one of them. Just can tell you, everything is over, I don’t want this happiness, actually I want it, but I don’t want it alone. I want you to be with me. I want your company. Without you, everything is just incomplete” I kept speaking limitlessly, letting my emotions flow.

“This is the truth of life” He interrupted “You want to gain everything but loose nothing. You want your life stable, but even want the angel who helped you out of instability to stay with you.”

“But the only truth of life, my brother, is our individuality in this world. Everything is just the same, and I really don’t exist in your life, it’s just an illusion. And one day every illusion disappears. Finally, it’s you who withstands everything that comes in the pathway of your life. It might look like, I had helped you to come out of the predicament you once were in, but indeed, you’ve faced everything individually and no one else but your self helped you out of every abyss” He said.

I realised. Whatever he’s speaking might be bitter to taste but is the only truth. I couldn’t avoid him. His words were submerging my heart, winning the battle.

“I agree. You may be right this time.” I said.

I could just co-relate everything. That old man, may be he was sent by God, to teach me the truth of our oneness and individuality. I mean, nobody would withstand his troubles, his weakness; his walking alone in the rain with an umbrella. It might have felt to him that the umbrella harboured him from the rain but in fact, the strength of his own arm; his grip, did that. And without his power, even the umbrella could have been washed away with the rain.

I looked at him. He was sleeping – worriless and free. I laid down, hearing the rain fall. It was quarter to 3. I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking, thinking and thinking. And that truth of oneness, even though discouraged me at first, was now empowering me. I felt stronger.

-     Syed Rehan

Instances From Life - III

I was walking on the edge of the road. The winds were bleak and the soil was damp. It seemed as if it’d rained a few hours ago. I didn’t know, wasn’t even interested in the acknowledgement. I was so silent. It felt like a stranger talking to myself. What’s happening; I thought miserably.

Walking alone in the dim light of dusk, I just wanted to go back to my childhood and be the person who kept smiling over the silliest things devoid any meaning. But time isn’t a good friend, is it? I could no more shelter the sorrows in my heart. It was at a degree of explosion.

“Bhaiya, One Classic Mild” I said, passing him a worn out Ten-rupee note.

The last rays of dusk had been disappeared by then. I lit a cigarette and kept walking. The smoke felt too good. After a long time, I had wanted to do some favour to my family by just relieving them of this daily embarrassment that I’ve caused. I wanted to run away. I didn’t know where I would be going. I didn’t know what would happen after that. All I thought of was the only fact, that I cannot be a blot on a bright wall.

I wanted to call Usman, who recently failed his CPT exams the second time and was currently under the same trauma as I. If there was a person I always wanted to be with me, it was him. With him, I always felt like my strength doubling, my soul supporting me and so does my heart. But today, I had even lost him. Lost him for the sake of some misunderstandings; and that was a sharper cut on my heart than ever.

“Brother, did my words hurt you to the extent that you forgot everything. Forgot everything! The friendship that we had from the past 15 years; you forgot! I cannot believe it.” I messaged him.

My eyes were teary and stressed. I didn’t know who else was walking around me. My vision was blurring and the blurredness was because of the flood of tears that had just assembled on my eye-lids before the final dead-flow. I wanted him to be with me today. I had never thought he’d ever misunderstand me. I had always thought that he understands me the best, but today when he fails to understand, who else could I expect understanding me.

He didn’t reply. He didn’t care to respond. In such a bad time, I was alone in life.

Puffing cigarettes were never so consoling than today. Darkness was enveloping the walls; submerging the world.

Nature had already proved me wrong when I thought that I still had a person on my side. Fouzia Di, I thought of her being the shadow of my existence, but I forgot there’s no place for a shadow in the darkness. I had tweeted her earlier but her behaviour proclaimed the defeat of my thoughts and beliefs. For the first time, she had behaved so differently, she almost avoided me. I couldn’t give it a thought. It was the most painful one.

“Bhaiya Kidhar Bhatak rahe ho”  A tall-framed man, who was walking behind me from the past 15 minutes, watching me behaving abnormally finally spoke up. 

“Bass bhaiya ek friend ka wait kar raha houn” I said, without making an eye contact so that the innocent tears in my eyes aren’t revealed.

I didn’t want the world to know that I’m loosing. I didn’t want the people to see me as a weak and unfortunate man. I wanted to be strong, I had always dreamed of my name being listed in the bars of ‘Toughest Survival’.

I had reached so far, nobody from my home side tried to contact. I felt like they no more wanted to accompany a person who could not even make his existence a reality. I mean, who’d like to stand besides a person who’d never be able to bring smile on their lips.

I realised, no matter how many times the dice falls on the side you had wanted it to; the only time when it falls the side you hadn’t wanted it to; you’re just like the King of the Board who knows that no matter how many steps it takes to rescue itself; the victory is never going to be his again.

By then, I had already puffed the whole cigarette. But some mere grams of nicotine couldn’t relieve me. It was as if God had placed a huge boulder on my chest, which despite my strong efforts, doesn’t agree the terms of displacement.

“Bhaiya, One packet Classic Mild” I passed two hundred-rupee notes to a young boy sitting in a small Tin-shop.

Once again in my life, I experienced the same thing; that in the bad times I was facing the calamities alone. How true is the theory of man being an individual to everything that comes in life; I thought.

I was alone or just say that loneliness had my company. And I didn’t even want anyone besides me. Hatred was flowing in my blood.

After spending more than an hour on a pavement doing nothing, I decided to return home. I didn’t want to, nor did my legs. But I had to, I had to return. There was a world waiting for me, challenging me; and no matter how bad a person we become in life, the arms of our mother and the hands of our father are always there to accept and welcome us. I couldn’t just abandon them and let them die, nor could I stay with them being a burden and disgrace; it was a dilemma. From the duo, I chose being unashamed and immoral one more night and returned.

-         Syed Rehan

Instances From Life - II

“It’s over, finally” I thought.

As I opened the door of my classroom, the first thing my eyes wandered in search for was her. My breathing went slower, so did my footsteps. For a moment I thought; at least this day, I’ll make it beautiful, a memory or a souvenir. But life’s not that sensible. Is it?

“What Laala? You’re out of stock these days. Where’ve you been?” Vicky asked with a South-Indian look.  

“Dude, how’re you going?” I said. I wasn’t interested in him. My heart said something else. It waited for something better; more caressing, more truthful.

“Bastard, have you brought the History project” Danish punched my back.

“Look who’s talking. As if there’s a possibility” I mocked and parked my bag on the bench.

I looked around. She was there, there on the last bench; where she always used to sit. Something was wrong. She was weeping. I wept harder in the heart.

“What’ve you told her, moron? Have you abused her? Or scolded her sister?” Danish mocked.

I pretended to avoid it; tried to pretend that I didn’t care. He laughed. She wept. And for me things went cold, so did the blood that was flowing in my veins.

“Get lost. Don’t include me in your Romeo Juliet thing.” I said irritatingly.

Just then the Physics teacher entered the class. I guess Shakespeare wasn’t wrong when he said that this world’s a stage. It actually is. One person comes into your life and another leaves. My life wasn’t so genius to prove Shakespeare wrong. It happened the same way. She ran out of the class; running, weeping and hiding her face at the same time. I felt so abandoned. It began to feel as if she had left me, forever.

“How does light get refracted in the atmosphere?” Physics Teacher said.

“Okay, listen. Different layers of atmosphere have different densities or we can also say; the higher we go the less dense the air is.” He kept speaking, answering his own question this time.

My heart wasn’t there. It was beating furiously in response to her absence. She hadn’t returned, is she still weeping; I thought, imagining her washing her face and wiping tears by the sides of her scarf in the washroom.

“Huh! What am I doing in this godforsaken place” I kept speaking to the air.

“Why was she weeping?” I added; this time asking Danish.

“Why are you so concerned?” Danish asked in a different tone that said ‘You-need-not-to-care’.

“Screw you Bastard” I said.

After 10 minutes she returned. She looked happy. What was that, I thought as I watched a fresh smile on her face. I didn’t care why she was smiling. The only fact that she was smiling felt very good in the core. She was happy. I was happy.

“So, as we’ve already studied. Wavelength varies with the colour variations.”

“Can you tell me which colour has the highest wavelength?” Physics teacher said. Pointing his finger towards Yasir, as if he were about to get him naked in front of us.

“Sorry sir” he proclaimed his innocence even before giving it a thought.

We all laughed and looked at him. It didn’t make a fun-sense but still, just because looking at him would mean a short-glance at Harsha; I did it. I looked back at him and found her looking at me. She was still smiling. Once again our eyes met. I was mesmerized by her look this time. My mind had already left my body and I could see my soul flying in the air.

I sighed in relief and contentment.

“Okay, let’s continue. Red colour has the highest wavelength” He continued.

I wasn’t there in the class. I was somewhere in a castle of mirrors; smiling in joy. And whichever direction I turned my eyes, wherever my sight went; I could only see myself smiling. Life was great. Light melodies murmured in the air.

“Man, I’m damn tired” Danish said.

“From past 90 minutes we’re continuously wasting our time on this God-damned ‘Light’” He added.

“What’re we up to?” He continued.

“Really man, I tell you, he’s been a militant or something before he got into teaching” I told him about my fantasies of him (Physics Teacher) being a militant.

“Yes, look at his eyes and his attitude” He replied with disgust.

Life deals with things differently. It is based on its own decisions, priorities and choice. I’ve always been feeling that; whatever I had wanted the most I didn’t get, and whatever I didn’t want; I got that. May be that’s the irony of life; to be yourself, in a challenge and race every time, while still following the commands of life.

He was right, Jim Morrison; when he said “Love cannot save you from your own fate”. Can it? My fate had a strict rule to follow; do the unpredictable and then just watch what I can do in response. Thus, it cannot break its own laws for my stupid heart. It challenged me and like always, I failed to do anything in response. I couldn’t even resist.

“So, why do stars twinkle?” Physics Teacher continued. It was as if he had sworn to teach everything in a single day.

“I hope we don’t have to appear in some talent hunt tomorrow” I asked Danish with utmost disgust and anger.

“No we don’t have to. Why are you asking?” He replied confusingly.

The door opened suddenly.

“Harsha” I heard a familiar voice calling her. I craned my neck to see who it was. It was Imran Sir, our sports teacher.

“Come here” He said.

“Papa aayein hain” She asked.

“Yes. Come along with the bag”. He said.

She held her bag on her left shoulder. I looked at her. I was almost frustrated. I couldn’t understand what’s going on. Where’s she going? Stop her; my heart whispered.

“Alvida. Alvida. Mere yaaro alvida” Yawer whispered slowly. Smiling and looking at me.

“Laala” he called me.

“Screw you. Get lost” I gave him a disgusting look.

Suddenly everything changed; from blooming to glooming, from ecstasy to remorse. I kept looking at her; continuously watching her every foot-step. For a moment I was completely frozen, for another moment I kept looking at her as she left and for another moment I felt totally forlorn and abandoned. I had that belief that at least she’d look at me a single time before leaving. She didn’t. May be it was too less a time for her to decide. May be she didn’t find it very important to look at me. But whatever, the only fact that this is the last time I’m seeing her; flooded me with sorrow and the feelings of defeat.

“Let’s continue. So, we’re talking about why stars twinkle” Physics Teacher continued.

I didn’t want to know, why the hell stars twinkle. My star had already left the sky.

“Useless. Everything seems so useless.” I spoke to my sorrowful heart.

I looked behind at the last bench where she used to sit. It seemed so deserted. I looked at the walls, ‘desolate’ I thought.

I was looking at my notebook, sometimes at the walls and sometimes at my hands. I remembered some lines I had once read somewhere:

“You won’t be able to overcome me, thus

Whenever you will hear my song,

You’ll find yourself singing along.”

I sighed. ‘Useless’ I again thought and blinked my strained eyes.

-         Syed Rehan

Instances From Life - I

For a few seconds I was totally frozen. Our eyes met.

“I want to talk to you” she spoke with difficulty.

And before I could even react, I saw Danish disappearing behind the door. There was complete silence in the class that portrayed its emptiness. We’re both alone. We could have forgotten everything, defeated our ego and proclaimed the love we’d for each other. But not every bird gets the worm.

“Sure! Speak” I felt a pull in my short saphenous vein and spoke.

“How can you be so rude about me?” She said with her lips almost drowsing.

“I’ve my reasons for that” I replied almost immediately.

            I just wanted that moment to stay, forever. I mean life was much better in this empty class-room than it is in the populated-colourful world outside. And what else had I ever wanted. It was her; I’d have lived an eternity, watching her tears assembling like little beads on the edges of her eyes. It was like sitting on a shore and imagining the world being submerged.

“But, I mean..Well! If you think everything is finished. What do I have to speak then?” She sighed genuinely, adjusting the sides of her scarf with her index finger.

            I looked into her eyes, her eyeball. It was deep brown. I remembered the first time we’d talked; almost a year had passed since then. The excitement is still the same, I thought.

“Look” I paused “It cannot go on as it is going. I see; you’ve started ignoring me. I mean, we do not look at each other the same way any more. You’ve started to take me for granted. And I can sense the embarrassment you face by the taunts of your friends. Everybody here knows me as the bad person they’ve seen so far, but not that; I don’t want this bad impression to disgust you.” I said.

 I didn’t know if it was really what I had wanted to say. In fact, these were not the same lines I’d been rehearsing but whatever, let it be; I thought.

“But it goes the same for everyone, I guess. And as I feel, it doesn’t matter much to me.” She said in a soft tone.

I could see in her eyes; a caressing look. It felt like she wanted to say something else; more gentle and clear. But something always obstructed the flow.

“Well! I cannot understand what’s going. I’m turning nuts.” I said.

“Okay, I’ll see you later” she said and left.

            I wanted her to stop and tell her how much I love her but I didn’t. I was bleak. There were no optimistic thought of her being in love with me.

“Bastard! Why did you take so long?” Danish asked with mock anger.

“Hmmm…really! I don’t think so” I replied and kept moving towards the school canteen.

“What do you mean? You’ve wasted 20 damn minutes” He said.

“Anyway, don’t screw my feelings this time. I’m so much lost.” Said I while still recalling the conversation and picturing her face in my mind.

“Damn you.” He said.

            It was 1:30 PM and the bell rang. The School Princi was standing in the desolated ground where the buses are parked, signalling everyone to go back to the classrooms.

“Man, I want to punch this monster” he said.

“Ah! You always want to kill people. Why are you so full of hate?” I mocked

“There are so many other people; full of hate.” He said with sarcasm dipping from the tip of his nose.

“What do you mean?” I said and wondered if he was ironically bringing her in the conversation. No, she doesn’t hate me. Does she? She loves me; I thought and smiled.

“Baby, we’ve Chemistry class. Have you completed the notes?” He said.

            Hell, I hated him; our Chemistry teacher. He always seems to be so pissed off. Moreover, he always tries to bring me in his lecture of BAD STUDENTS.

“Shit yaar! He’ll screw me today” I paused “And don’t tell me you’ve completed, because even if you’ve, I’m going to tear all the pages from your notebook. I don’t want to face this embarrassment alone. Don’t even want to see you being appreciated” I said and gave him an I-really-mean-it-you-moron look.

“You can expect no good from me. Even I haven’t completed yet. He is sure of getting us screwed today.” He laughed.

            We reached the classroom. Everybody was there already, even the chemistry pest. I opened the door and unintentionally my eyes went searching for her. I saw her sitting on the last bench. She was looking at me. There was so much in her look, so much that the world lacks, that no one else can ever have. Whenever I found her looking at me, oxygen flushed into my arteries and a feeling of comfort surpassed every other feeling and I felt like the whole world is mine.

“May we come in” I asked in a soft tone, believing it’d melt his heart.

“No, you may get lost. You’re late.” He replied; widening his ugly nostrils in anger.

“Sorry Sir, we’re paying the fee” I said confidently.

“Go, ask the fee-collector to teach you then” He was still firm in words.

“Sorry sir, this won’t be repeated” Danish, finally irritated, spoke up.

“Okay, come in and sit down silently” he replied as if doing a favour in my dad’s income.

            There was something crazy about this man. He always boasted about his being so naughty in the childhood. He openly proclaimed that he was smarter than us in every aspect, be it studying or flirting.

“Let my time come, I’ll beat his big ass with iron rod” Danish murmured.

            Really, when you’re not interested, even marriage would seem to be a funeral. He kept on teaching ‘Carbon and its Compounds’. I wasn’t interested in it. I was interested in Harsha. I was interested in her love. I didn’t want to become a God-damned Chemical Engineer and marry Copper Sulphate. I wanted something else. In fact I wanted Someone Else. But hell, I don’t have the balls to go and tell her; I thought.

“You stand up” he pointed his finger towards me.

“Tell me, what I was teaching. Just tell me what you know about carbon” He asked, standing just opposite to me. When did he come here, Shaktiman saala; I thought and smiled.

I didn’t know what to answer. I was not concerned about Carbon. I was concerned about Harsha. I had nothing to speak. I didn’t know who was Carbon? Where did he live? I rather thought of looking at her. I looked at her, she was confused and scared.

Bang! He slapped me. I looked at him with disgust and as expected he repeated the same line which he’s been since the first day we met, “why don’t you care for the sweat and blood of your father?”

            I again looked at her. She looked sad and angry. I felt so possessive about this. The hard slap I’d received a few seconds ago didn’t hurt anymore. Everybody was looking at me mockingly. I didn’t care. I wanted to talk to her, hold her hand. I wanted to be with her forever.

            I sat down and the Chemistry pest kept annoying Mr. Carbon. “Can he not teach something better?” I spoke to my anger. I looked at Rajan, one of the toppers of our class, and he was so much lost in the faces, that the chemistry pest had drawn on the board, that it almost seemed as if he were telling him how his dad had cheated his mother years ago.

            I was still looking at her when she turned her face towards me. It seemed as if the world has come to a halt. Like it happens in Bollywood, everything began to move in slow motion. Winds began to blow.

“What?” she gestured and smiled.

“Nothing” I made a similar gesture that has feathers of love all over.

“Crazy” She smiled, as if accepting my proposal.

“I am” I gestured back and blood rushed all over my body. My heart skipped a beat after an interval of every 3-second. My eyes blinked more than usual. And I’d not listen to anyone else but my heart.

            The bell rang, the class was over. Finally the Man of Chemistry walked past the door and I sighed in relief. Everybody rushed towards me with their unique line of sympathy. Some even tried to provoke my hormones and advised me to slap him back if it happens again. I didn't care. I didn't even listen. I was obsessed with her thoughts. I was obsessed with her.

“haha! Moron, you’re screwed” Danish mocked

“I will kill you bastard” I said

“Why didn’t you hit him back?” He asked as if I were in the battle-ground.

“My good heart gave him one more chance to live” I said
”But you should have warned him at-least with a punch” He joked.

“I leave that for you. Do it. Next turn is yours” I added

“A dog can only annoy another dog of the same breed, not a tiger” he said

“So, here is our black ass tiger” I spoke up rather loudly

“And there’s his tigress” He said and pointed towards Harsha

“You bastard” I ran after him.

-         Syed Rehan