Instances From Life - IV

It was raining – midnight hours of a cold December night. I could hear every raindrop that hit the earth and lost its existence into millions of illusions. I opened my window, unconditionally, may be because the nothingness and silence in my room was deepening.

I had never thought that despite all the crowds, the world could be so empty some times. The songs, the celebrations; everything was over. And whatever was left behind, had by now, lost its existence in the depths of an eternal silence.

“Come here brother” He said, eliminating a cloud of smoke simultaneously.

I closed the window, and like always; the darkness, the rain, and all those things kept revolving in my heart. I had some regrets tonight, I had some pains; and it went the same for him. We didn’t know what it was, but something, something didn’t let us rejoice.

“Man, I don’t know why it is so but I am not present in the moment.” I said

“I was” his voice was choking “just recalling the bad times of my life. Brother I do not want them again in my life. Not any more.” He had a deep puff of the cigarette as if he was collecting his breath between the sobs.

“That time, I somehow consoled myself, narrating the story of a boy” He kept looking at the ceiling and talking to himself “who was lost in a desert, where even his hopes were hopeless; aimlessly walking, till the day he finally fathomed that a caravan has been following his trails throughout the journey. And he wasn’t alone, nor was he aimless; he was meant to discover a path from the dry sands to the oceans of high tide”.

“I told you. God is always there”. I interrupted, lighting a cigarette.

“But this time” He said “I won’t be able to face that solitude. Because when I had left it, I betrayed its pious soul. Now I cannot return to a place, where I had spent the coldest hours of my life”.

“Man, nothing bad is going to happen. And even if it happens, now we’re together, we’ll face every hardship, our sword is sharper now” I said.

“No brother, our oneness is our only truth” He said

“Are you crazy or what?” I spoke out astonishingly.

“Okay, close your eyes. And just imagine as if whatever comes out from my lips is actually something your heart wants to convey you” He said.

I closed my eyes. It was still raining. In my thoughts, someone told me “This man has united his soul and heart tonight”. It felt as if the rain was pouring over me.

 Then suddenly, I heard the sounds of a walking-stick striking the earth. Thak! Thak! And with it, I heard some footsteps.

“Who could it be, wandering at such a late hour? That too in this cold rain!” I murmured astoundingly.

“Ssshhh!” He signalled me to keep quiet.

I opened my eyes and by now he was near the window; trying to open it without making any noise.

An old man, with white beard, was walking with a black umbrella. Reciting something slowly and walking as if this boulevard was his favourite harbour.

We watched him till he disappeared in the darkness, in the darkness where everything disappears.

We lay down silently. I closed my eyes. He was breathing deeply. I could hear him; breathing, sighing – breathing, sighing.

“Just imagine. You’ve a life worse than this. Everyday you face troubles, calamities, tears, mourning. But you’ve my company, and whatever bad happens; we face it together, solve it every time and end up with happily and joyfully. But despite all the joys we share together, you keep calling to God for an easier life; with no regrets, no sorrows, and no calamities. You blame Him every time a bad thing happens to you. Sometimes this blame is put on your fate, and sometimes it’s for something that governs the ways of life for different people. But your life doesn’t get any better, it never does. And whatever happens, with a strong heart; we face it and win every battle. Then one day, everything seems getting better, in fact perfect! You’re so happy with the way that life has been given to you. There’s nothing to worry. No more tears, no nothing.” He was getting philosophical.

“Now, open your eyes” He said.

I opened my eyes. And it felt as if I had travelled to somewhere and life is no more the same that it was before the second I had closed my eyes. It seemed as if life was totally different.

“How do you feel now?” he asked.

“I feel as if I have finally won a battle I always had a nightmare of. I feel as if no thunder could ever scare me now. My heart is stronger, and my voice is firmer. And till I have you, who has always been with me, through my bad times; it feels there’s nothing I cannot overcome. And there’s nothing left for the completion of a beautiful poem” I said, speaking whatever my thoughts portray.

“Now just imagine. You’ve this happy life; lacking worries, sorrow, regrets and pain. But then one day, you just realise there was no one like me who ever existed in your life. You’re alone all the times. Everything is just the same; your life, that bad one, this good one, everything is just the same. But there’s no one like me who ever existed in your life. It was just your belief, nothing else. You realise that all the places you’ve been with me, in actual, you’ve been to them alone. You’re alone! In those gardens, near those banks; you were alone all the time.” His voice was deepening, so were my tears.

I could not understand what was happening. My lips were dried, and trembling. My heart became heavier, breathing slower, feet colder. I was frustrating.

I lighted another cigarette and deeply puffed. I was left silent, in my own thoughts. I couldn’t speak nor did he. He too, like me, was lost in his thoughts. There was an eternal silence that we couldn’t break.

“Now how do you feel?” he asked, breaking the laws of nature, crossing the boundaries.

“I cannot tell you how I feel. There’re a million thoughts lying before me, and my weakness; I cannot pick even one of them. Just can tell you, everything is over, I don’t want this happiness, actually I want it, but I don’t want it alone. I want you to be with me. I want your company. Without you, everything is just incomplete” I kept speaking limitlessly, letting my emotions flow.

“This is the truth of life” He interrupted “You want to gain everything but loose nothing. You want your life stable, but even want the angel who helped you out of instability to stay with you.”

“But the only truth of life, my brother, is our individuality in this world. Everything is just the same, and I really don’t exist in your life, it’s just an illusion. And one day every illusion disappears. Finally, it’s you who withstands everything that comes in the pathway of your life. It might look like, I had helped you to come out of the predicament you once were in, but indeed, you’ve faced everything individually and no one else but your self helped you out of every abyss” He said.

I realised. Whatever he’s speaking might be bitter to taste but is the only truth. I couldn’t avoid him. His words were submerging my heart, winning the battle.

“I agree. You may be right this time.” I said.

I could just co-relate everything. That old man, may be he was sent by God, to teach me the truth of our oneness and individuality. I mean, nobody would withstand his troubles, his weakness; his walking alone in the rain with an umbrella. It might have felt to him that the umbrella harboured him from the rain but in fact, the strength of his own arm; his grip, did that. And without his power, even the umbrella could have been washed away with the rain.

I looked at him. He was sleeping – worriless and free. I laid down, hearing the rain fall. It was quarter to 3. I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking, thinking and thinking. And that truth of oneness, even though discouraged me at first, was now empowering me. I felt stronger.

-     Syed Rehan